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Millions of badger refugees flood across Welsh border
Sections of the M5 and the Severn Bridge were shut last night as thousands of badger refugees fled in convoy from villages in Gloucestershire and Somerset over the border to Wales. Badgers from both...
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Nice new developments destroying concrete jungle faster than ever, say...
Urban environmentalists have launched a campaign to raise awareness of the increased detarmacation of the world’s concrete jungles. The mass ‘soiling’ of the world’s towns and cities is the direct...
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‘Walking with humans’ now number one thing-to-do-before-you-die for dolphins
A worldwide survey conducted by YOLO (Dolphin and Porpoise) plc has revealed that ‘Walking with humans’ is now top of dolphins’ bucket lists. The practice has recently gained huge popularity among...
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Met office suggests tropical storms could be calmer with blokes names
In the wake of the devastation caused by Superstorm Sandy scientists around the world have been looking at ways to reduce the impact of such natural disasters in the future. Sources at the Met office...
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Penguin admits cycling to win 100km ‘march’
A penguin who holds the record for being the fastest flightless bird to complete his arduous winter march between the ocean and ancestral breeding grounds has admitted to using a performance-enhancing...
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Jeremy Kyle reunites adopted snow leopard with biological parents
Talk show host and professional chav-baiter, Jeremy Kyle, has used his daytime TV programme to arrange an emotional reunion between an adopted six year-old snow leopard and its biological parents....
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Water cost rise blamed on fake tan glut
The increasing cost of water to consumers is being blamed on the huge volume of fake tan in Britain’s water supply leaving treatment plants struggling to cope, according to a report by the utilities...
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50+ adults re-live their youth by ‘Swimming with condoms’
Whilst many of today’s trendy youngsters dream of ‘Swimming with dolphins’ in US-style theme parks, the 50+ generation is increasingly remembering youthful days spent in local rivers and canals...
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What went on in the snowdrift to stay in the snowdrift, confirm rescued rams
Two rams who were trapped in a snowdrift in Antrim for 23 days and only managed to escape after the recent warm weather caused a thaw, today steadfastly refused to talk about their ordeal. ‘Despite...
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West achieves victory in war on bees
Cynics scoffed and said that it would go the same way as the ‘War on Terror’ and the ‘War on Drugs’, two more scourges of mankind that were too ubiquitous to fight properly. Yet as of today, when the...
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Government to reduce cull opposition by demonising literary badgers
Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has announced a widespread rewriting of all literary works that contain favourable references to badgers in an attempt to persuade the public that badgers should be...
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Cuadrilla plans to frack Eric Pickles
With the cost of policing protests at its test drilling site in Sussex spiralling out of control, energy firm Cuadrilla has decided to try Plan B. Starting next week, it will begin fracking for oil and...
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Politicians to be permanently sealed within giant Westminster Bubble
Plans to contain the entire Westminster village within a vast geodesic sphere are almost complete. The multi-million pound Odium Project aims to collect every variety of politician, lobbyist and...
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Middle England civil unrest builds as agricultural advisors’ strike hits The...
A strike by agricultural advisers has led to a mountain of unapproved scripts in the offices and corridors of the Radio 4 flagship drama The Archers. Arthur Heffer, BBC agricultural liaison executive,...
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Badger admits falsifying ‘killer spider’ story to deflect attention from cull
A crafty badger has today admitted to circulating a misleading and factually incorrect story about ‘man-eating death spiders’, in a desperate bid to lead the public’s attention away from the mass...
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False widow spider ‘ate my dog’
Dog owners are on high alert in Dartmoor after claims by a local farmer that his border collie was eaten by a giant false widow spider. Alleged sightings of a large black eight legged beast around...
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RSPB to focus efforts on saving Angry Birds
After a series of charity scandals, cash-strapped conservation group the RSPB has announced that it will refocus its conservation efforts on saving the Angry Birds, rather than their real cousins....
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Badgers now thought to be ‘virtually immortal’
Government scientists have come to the conclusion that badgers are pretty much immortal following the failure of the recent cull to put much of a dent in their numbers. ‘Not only can they survive TB’...
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Environment Agency launches new ‘Help to Sell’ scheme
In the face of mounting public criticism, the government has rushed out a new property initiative to complement the popular ‘Help to Buy’ scheme, with particular emphasis on first-time flood victims....
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Environment Agency begs athletes to stop coming out
As further storms are expected to hit the UK, paranoid homophobes of all political persuasions are launching a concerted campaign to stop the ‘flood of sexual liberation’. Aerial footage along the...
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